NewsUndies - 20150619 (NU1525)

June 20th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for June 19, 2015 including:

  • Another Week, Another Noise
  • Meanwhile, On Baltic Ave…
  • The Illusion of Authenticity
  • Race, Credibility, Preaching, and Practice
  • Phoning It In
  • Previously, on OITNB…
  • The Implications Are Falling-Down Drunk!


NewsUndies - 20150612 (NU1524)

June 13th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for June 12, 2015, Including:

Okay, okay. Jesus!
How Many More Clowns?
Rainbows and Unicorns In The Land Of The Mitre
Has This Occurred To No One?
Keep Your Pants On!
Gay Marriage Walmart FEMA Death Panel Camps!


NewsUndies - 20150605 (NU1523)

June 13th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for June 5, 2015, including:
Alabama Cedes Authority
How Dare You Teach FACTS?!
I played Chuck Yeager! CHUCK YEAGER!
Who’ll Stop The Rain?
Stay Tuned!
Corruption! Sports! Scandal! Boring! TLDR! Don’t Care!
Hint: It’s Not The Suicidal Guy
Define “Sanctity of Life”


NewsUndies - 20150522 (NU1521)

June 13th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for May 22, 2015, including:

Talk About The Wild Frontier
Mission Creep?
Doctor of WHAT?!
Let Me See If I’ve Got This Straight…
Kabuki Theater, Florida Style

Good Luck, We’re All Counting On You

May 17th, 2015

There was a running gag in the movie Airplane!, wherein Leslie Nielson’s character would lean in through the cockpit door, and say, “I just want to tell you both, good luck; we’re all counting on you.”

For the 2015 season of NewsUndies I wanted to add a little “stay past the credits” treat… I mean.. everybody does bloopers… but I wanted to add something else. I wanted to make the show a little more “conscience having” and less “appealing”… no… wait… scratch the last one… I also wanted to try to involve the audience more.

So, the idea I came up with was this: At the very end of the show, the last thing to appear on the screen is someone leaning in through a door, and saying, “I just want to tell you, good luck; we’re all counting on you.”, then disappearing back through the door. The intent is this: based on the premise that we’re all trying to make the world a better place, we’re all counting on each other to make an effort. So someone leaning in the door, and saying the line, is both a well-wish and reminder that it’s up to all of us to participate and improve the human condition.

A little heavy, maybe.

…and then, I thought… Maybe there are people out there who enjoy the show, and would like to send in videos of themselves, or their friends or family, doing the door gag in their homes, or some famous place.. or the bathroom of their favorite restaurant… from behind a costume character at a theme park… or whatever.

So, this is your call to action.

You can be a part of NewsUndies (in addition to sending in StoryTips) by sending in your “Door Gag” video. Any video shot on a smartphone, tablet, or camcorder manufactured in the last three years should be fine. Please try to eliminate shaking as much as possible. Preferred format is mp4. Please leave a couple seconds of dead roll before and after the door gag if you can. Door Gag videos should be no more than fifteen seconds long (including dead roll at the front and back).

Send an email to, and I’ll email you with the submission details.

And now, the fine print: By submitting a “Door Gag video”, you grant Paul Tourville, his heirs, assigns, and successor entities a perpetual, irrevocable, universal, and non-exclusive license to use, broadcast, re-license, sub-license, rent, sell, hire, edit, alter, publish, print, trim, crop, post on-line, incorporate into other works, in whole or in part, the submitted video, your likeness, and the likenesses of all persons, brands, companies, copyrighted works (including, but not limited to: sound recordings, photographs, paintings, architecture, books, magazines, et cetera), and trademarks captured in the video, and any and all still frames therein. You further agree to indemnify and hold harmless Paul Tourville, and his heirs, assigns, and successor entities, in any civil or criminal proceedings which may result from your submission of the video and any subsequent use to which it may be put.

NewsUndies - 20150515 (NU1520)

May 16th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for May 15, 2015, including:

  • An Unfunny Joke
  • Trainwreckily, They GOP Along
  • Vertical Integration
  • Funny Story…
  • Brady Avoids The Chair
  • You Hope For So Long
  • …Or There Will Be Trouble


NewsUndies - 20150508 (NU1519)

May 11th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for May 8, 2015 including:

  • I’m Not Saying X, but X.
  • Sex Ed Bad!
  • The Farce Is Strong With You!
  • Dionne Davenport: Opinion Maker
  • An Exercise In Futility
  • Paranoia Will Destroy Ya!
  • Tesla FTW!


On The Public Response to Systemic Police Misconduct

May 4th, 2015

The following is excerpted from the shooting script of NewsUndies episode NU1518, which was released on May 1, 2015. An embed of the full episode is at the end of the story below.

The city of Baltimore, Maryland has officially screwed the pooch. The death, in police custody, last week of twenty-five year-old Baltimore resident Freddie Grey has lit off a literal firestorm of violence in the city.

Grey, in case you’ve been in a coma, yourself, was arrested on April twelfth, because he moved away from police unprovoked.

Now.. I may be an imbecile… I freely admit this… but… what are you to do? If you’re in a high-crime area, the police are already suspicious of everyone. If you approach police officers, isn’t that going to arouse suspicion? and if you retreat from police officers… that arouses suspicion… so… what? do you have to steer a tangential course, maintaining a minimum distance, and not making eye-contact? Perhaps you SHOULD make eye-contact, and nod, tugging at the brim of your Stetson as you saunter by on horseback…

What a fucking embarrassment this is.

First of all, the police chase this guy down because random bullshit. That’s bad. ..then, mysteriously, he’s seriously injured in the back of a police van.. nobody knows … or more accurately, no one is SAYING… how. That’s bad. Geraldo Rivera, on Fox News put forward a hypothesis that Grey had a –quote– muscular siezure –end-quote–, and maybe THAT broke three vertebrae in his neck and mostly severed his spinal cord. ….yyeeeaaahhh… Police HAVE admitted that Grey was not seat-belted in the back of the van… which is wrong. ..then, the police fail to get him medical attention for his serious and mysterious injury that he would not have had, had he not been pursued and arrested for retreating from police. That’s fucked up.

Then he slipped into a coma and died. that’s a big, flaming bag of dog shit on America’s front doorstep.

Thanks, Baltimore PD.

Then, after an autopsy, the family buries this poor guy. Immediately, protest, then riot.

Now, I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like to be an African-American man… at all… let alone, in a city like Baltimore, and I’m not so idealistic and naive as to think that violence is never the answer… but … just burning shit down… burning innocent bystanders’ shit down…??


Take a second.


If you HAVE to fight, the first thing you need to do is figure out who your enemy is. Clearly that hasn’t happened. The second thing you have to do is to figure out what you can do that will neutralize the threat your enemy poses to you without bringing harm on yourself. Again, hasn’t happened. So, instead, random lashing out and burning shit down.

I’m pretty sure that CVS had nothing directly to do with Grey’s death. I’m fairly certain that Community Center didn’t throw him around in the back of that police van and break his neck. Sure, you could argue that by not putting pressure on the BPD to clean up their act, everyone was complicit by way of silence. Does the Baltimore PD have a long and storied history of corruption, excessive force, brutality, and abuse of power? Oh, yes. Has Baltimore long been a hotbed of racial tension? Why, yes, again.

I understand that we all, as humans, are emotional creatures. I also understand that it’s easy… really easy… to be angry or upset, and see the dude next to you hurl a brick at your perceived enemy, and then you feel the urge to do the same. …but you have got to understand something.. and I know it’s really hard to keep this in mind when tensions are really high, and it’s us versus them… but take a second to think about this. The police in Baltimore, and around the country, are charged with preserving the peace, and enforcing the laws. They are entrusted with that duty by the city, and they are authorized to used deadly force, if necessary, to do so. Yes, there have been abuses, and yes it needs to stop. …but what do you think is going to garner more sympathy for your cause? A cop beating you to the ground because you threw a brick at him?… or you and a thousand of your friends peacefully but immovably blocking the entrance to the police station. …or city hall… or the public works garage… or forming a human barricade down one of the main streets. …and don’t move.

Have a stand-off.

Do not escalate.

At all.

Whether you’re rioting or engaging in civil disobedience, you stand a chance of getting arrested, and while in police custody, they may mistreat you. Either way. But, I’ll tell you this, That cop still has pepper-spray and a Taser and a club and a sidearm. I would MUCH rather get arrested by someone who is mildly annoyed, but doesn’t feel the need to escalate beyond handcuffs… than an angry, scared, jumpy, probie cop with his hand twitching over his Glock looking for an excuse.

Fill up the holding cells, clog up the courts. To win this it’s going to take public support, and that’s going to mean that the public has to like you more than they like the cops. Which piece of video looping incessantly on CNN do you think is going to achieve that? You getting your skull caved in by a cop in front of a burning strip mall, or you being led peacefully away from your compatriots into waiting police van? With whom would you have more sympathy? Who do you think has the moral high ground in those two scenarios?

… OR you could get involved in government. I realize that takes time… but if you showed up at a protest, and then participated in a riot… either you or someone you know is an engaging public speaker, and knows how to get people together. Use that to real advantage and change the government from within.


if Baltimore sucks that bad… and it sounds to me like it might. …. FUCKING LEAVE! What is so compelling that’s keeping you in Baltimore? The Orioles?


NewsUndies - 20150501 (NU1518)

May 4th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for May 1, 2015, including:

* Neverfunny
* 50 Shades of Regret
* Curmudgeon’s Corner
* Dissolve or Smash-Cut?
* Priorities
* You Can’t Fake Religion
* Well That Didn’t Take Forgoddamnedever


NewsUndies - 20151417 (NU1516)

April 18th, 2015

All the news that shouln’t be news for April 17, 2015, including:

Yeah, Yeah, He Is Risen
They’re The Best
It’s Not Slavery, Per Se.
Hernandez Verdict (Take 2)
Do You Not Know How To Human?
Capitol Idea!