These Headlines for 8/21/15

August 23rd, 2015

Jared Fogle, the now former Subway Sandwich pitchman, has negotiated a plea deal on child pornography charges, which, if approved by the court, will score him between five and twelve years in prison. As you may recall, back on July Tenth, we covered the raid on Fogle’s Zionsville, Indiana home, in which computers and other property were seized. Depending on the deal reached, Fogle could spend eight or more years in prison. Subway has Gumpishly tweeted,

We no longer have a relationship with Jared and have no further comment. –Subway on Twitter

The twitterverse was predictably unsympathetic. A scroll down Subway’s Twitter page shows its primary concern appears to be shilling Lays potato chips…. which is where my head first goes when I think of “eating fresh”

The Coca-Cola Company, whom, as we learned in the 1964 Kubrick masterpiece “Doctor Strangelove, or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb”, you don’t want to cheese off… has formed a sort of “public health consortium” to promote the idea that the key to ending obesity isn’t so much cutting down on high-calorie snacks, it’s making sure that you burn the calories you take in. Well… yes… but given that many people are, or at least feel, trapped in sedentary life situations… doesn’t it seem that tailoring your caloric intake to your activity level makes more sense than punching holes in your already busy and difficult-to-schedule life to burn off that six-hundred-calories of Coke you drank at work?


If you’re considering stealing something… say… a dildo… Christopher Hucko of the Orland Park, Illinois, may have some lessons for you, as a result of his experience at his local Lovers Lane store. An employee of the store had observed Hucko putting “merchandise” unto his pants, and then called the police. Police arrived, and waited outside the store, waiting for Hucko to leave the store, of course, completing the theft. The officers apprehended him, and the teachable moment began. First, if you’re going to try to steal something, you’re not helping your case at all if you’re completely obvious in the way you take and or hide what you’re trying to steal. Second, If you are confronted by police, and asked, for example, what you’ve stuffed into your pants, “my penis” is almost certainly not the answer they’re looking for. If you are picked up for theft or shoplifting, having a pocketful of weed and a bowl in your possession will likely not induce the police to take pity on you. Third, If you’ve already established yourself as a less than successful criminal, that is to say, if you have any kind of arrest record, the police will find this out, and you will probably not be getting off with a warning. Fourth, If you have any forms to sign while you are being booked (because, if you haven’t learned lessons one through three, you will be booked) signing the forms “Obama is a criminal” is probably not going to bring you any sympathy when your case comes to trial.

…and speaking of trials, The Dhaka Tribune is reporting that the Inspector General of Police, or IGP, has floated a not so subtle reminder to –quote– free thinkers –end-quote– that hurting one’s religious sentiment is a crime, punishable by up to FOURTEEN YEARS in prison. This reminder came in the wake of the murder of blogger Niladri Chatterjee Niloy. Niloy had posted on Facebook, shortly before he was murdered, that he had attempted to engage the police to protect him from people he suspected were following him. The message appears to be a little mixed and confusing… because, in the same press conference, wherein the dire warning of prison time for hurting people’s religious feelings was delivered, the IGP stated

If any blogger or free thinker suffers from such a threat he can contact the local police or DB police in Dhaka. Police will ensure his security. –Dhaka Inspector General of Police

…AND that anyone who’s had their feelings hurt can contact the police and file a case. …..uuuuuhhhh… so, what if I’ve written a blog that hurts my own feelings, and I want to file a case against myself, but then I feel threatened by myself, and need protection? Can I then contact the DB Police and arrange protection? Can they figure that mess out?

NewsUndies - 20150821 (NU1534)

August 22nd, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for August 21, 2015 including:

  • stop.
  • Find The Loony
  • When Exploitation And Submission Collide!
  • But If You Make It Not Illegal…
  • Non-Profit, my @$$
  • Oh, Joy.
  • Don’t Make Idle Threats

For further reading:Ā®ion=top-news&WT.nav=top-news&_r=1;;

NewsUndies - 20150814 (NU1533)

August 16th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for August 15, 2015 including:

  • #DirectionersFuneral
  • Andrea Tantaros Understands Exactly Nothing
  • Demons & Gays & Snakes!
  • Power-up The Arbitraryotron!
  • Let Us Sit Upon The Ground…

NewsUndies - 20150807 (NU1532)

August 16th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for August 7, 2015 including:

  • All Out Of Fucks To Give
  • When This ClownCar’s Rockin’…
  • PTFE
  • Deflategate Again Still Some More
  • Texas Nexus
  • Glenn Beck Fatigue

NewsUndies - 20150724 (NU1530)

August 16th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for July 24, 2015 including:

  • Metallic Millinery Misses Military
  • Welcome to Old Detroit
  • No Cake For Anyone!
  • Wrong Line Of Work?
  • As Exciting As It Gets!
  • Only In A Jeep
  • Pray For Mercy!;

NewsUndies - 20150717 (NU1529)

August 16th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for July 17, 2015 including:

  • Politician, Know Thy Audience
  • Cue The Imperial March
  • Author: Early Forties, White Male. Surprise!
  • lupDujHomwIj luteb gharghmey
  • Prince Performs R.B.I.
  • Not To Be Confused With Jim Jones
  • Not Just Woo. This Is Curly-Woo.;;

NewsUndies - 20150710 (NU1528)

August 16th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for July 10, 2015 including:

  • End of The Line
  • Up Next on This Old House…
  • It’s Sad When They Can’t See The Irony
  • My Name is Roger Murdock. I’m the Co-Pilot.
  • See? I told you nothing would happen!
  • NOT THAT FRESH!–pulls-out-4-inch-centipede-.html

NewsUndies - 20150626 (NU1526)

August 16th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for June 26, 2015, including:
* Supreme Taco
* Guns
* That’s What You Get When You Isolate Yourself
* D. Roof Is On Fire

Join us LIVE on Packard Pokes At, Friday July 10, 2015 @ 10PM Eastern HERE:

For further reading on this week’s NewsUndies:

NewsUndies - 20150619 (NU1525)

June 20th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for June 19, 2015 including:

  • Another Week, Another Noise
  • Meanwhile, On Baltic Ave…
  • The Illusion of Authenticity
  • Race, Credibility, Preaching, and Practice
  • Phoning It In
  • Previously, on OITNB…
  • The Implications Are Falling-Down Drunk!


NewsUndies - 20150612 (NU1524)

June 13th, 2015

All the news that shouldn’t be news for June 12, 2015, Including:

Okay, okay. Jesus!
How Many More Clowns?
Rainbows and Unicorns In The Land Of The Mitre
Has This Occurred To No One?
Keep Your Pants On!
Gay Marriage Walmart FEMA Death Panel Camps!