Adolf Hitler Denied Birthday Cake
This story on Yahoo! News (get it while it’s hot) is funny ( in a Schadenfreude sort of way) and scary.
The gist of it is this: Heath and Deborah Campbell of Hunterdon County, N.J., parents of li’l Adolph (full name, according to the story is Adolph Hitler Campbell) are upset that their local Shop Rite has refused (three years running) to decorate a birthday cake with the lad’s name (and, allegedly, a swastika).
Heath and Deborah, whose other children are named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell had to know that naming their children as they did would cause complications. I mean… my last name is Tourville, and I got plenty of shit in elementary school… can you possibly imagine the grief poor Adolf is going to get? It’s already started. Kid can’t get a birthday cake.
I mean it’s one thing to give your kid a weird name… like Placenta Jones or Splenectomy Peterson … or Jonestown Guyana Ravishankar… but… I find it hard to believe that Heath Campbell, being of German descent, was unaware of the baggage the name Adolf Hitler carries. At least the awfulness of JoyceLynn’s is buried where few people will see it. American’s generally know of only 2 famous Adolphs: Hitler and Coors… and Hitler is far and away the better-known one.
Picture the scenario: The Campbell boy goes to kindergarten, and, surprise, surprise, there’s a few kids in the class, whose proudly Jewish parents have already told them about The Holocaust… they meet li’l Adolph, and are immediately suspicious. They corner him, and ask him, in a confrontational way, if his middle name is Hitler. How’s he supposed to respond? “Maybe…”? They beat the shit out of him. Lather, rinse, repeat through college. You think li’l Adolph will grow up with a powerful hatred of Jews?
I’m all for the liberty to name your kids whatever you want, but to want to name your kid Adolph Hitler. In the Yahoo! story, the father admitted that he was raised to not socially or romantically “mix” with people of different races, but stated that Adolph is free to make up his own mind about that. Sure. Free. By the time he’s 8 he’ll have no teeth, 2 cauliflower ears, a detached retina in his left eye and an undying hatred of all non-whites. …that’s if he lives that long.
I’m not saying it’s right to punish someone because his or her parents are assholes, or because he or she happens to have the same name as one of the most unbelievable pricks in human history. I think that’s awful. Unfortunately, in the reality we all occupy, human societies run on labels, and labels (including names) carry the connotations of their history. Either the Campbells don’t know this (i.e., are ignorant), don’t accept it (i.e., are in denial), or don’t care (i.e., are assholes).
If the Campbells wanted to prove a point or change the world in naming their children, why not go with naming them after peacemakers or great thinkers. Copernicus, Kepler, Einstein… Norman Borlaug… hell, even Ferdinand Porsche would have been a better choice. The names these poor Campbell kids have been saddled with set the up for finding their only refuge in skinhead gangs and Klan rallies.
Then again, Frank Zappa’s kids (Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan, Moon Unit, and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen) turned out pretty OK (if a little weird)… at least he didn’t name any of them Adolph Hitler Zappa.
Then, there’s the counterpoint. For a moment, set aside the stunning magnitude of Heath Campbell’s douchebaggery. The fact that a supermarket refused to print a child’s name on a birthday cake is pretty crappy. It’s not like they wanted to have “Sexually abuse aborted fetuses! It’s fun!” written on a cake. I’d be willing to bet it wasn’t even the poor kid’s full name… probably just, “Happy Birthday, Adolph!” Sure it’s within the rights of most business in most places to refuse service to anyone they want on nearly any grounds, but this is just dumb.
On the third hand, why didn’t Deborah Campbell just bake a cake, herself, and decorate it any way she wanted… or .. buy a blank cake and decorate it? Oh, wait, I know why… She and her husband are douchebags.