Ursus Pacificus

Are you offended easily or under 18 years of age? If so, stop now. Please. I’m serious. Go check out the Wikipedia page on Mr. Rogers.

I just read (and yes, I know I’m behind the curve on this one) one of Patricia E. Bauer’s blog posts about Tropic Thunder, quite possibly one of the top-5 funniest movies of the last 10 years.

Patricia, I know you’re offended easily, but we’re going to get you started with some immersion therapy….

You can still turn back.

If you don’t want to be offended by nasty language, turn back now!

I’m serious!

Fuck you, Patricia E. Bauer, you whining, pointless cunt.

If we can’t speak honestly about our problems (or those of others, or society in general), we can’t address them honestly.

Nigger. See that. I said it. Not “N-word”. Nigger. I didn’t call anyone a nigger, I just said the word.

Fuck. Shit. Piss. Retard.

Retard fucks nigger shit; film at eleven.

Cunt. Bitch. Spineless. Credulous. Moron. Idiot.

Nigger is a word. People who are offended by its mere existence need something real to cry about. How come nobody gets all bent out of shape about words like “cracker”, “whitey”, “gray” and so on? Because they’re just words… like nigger and bitch.

Tits, Patty. Tits.

Are you still wincing, Patty?

You see, just because someone’s in a wheelchair or has an IQ of 48 does not excuse them, really, of anything. An asshole in a wheelchair is still an asshole. A dangerous retard in the White House is still dangerous.

Not every person is qualified for every job. Former Senator Max Cleland will likely not be performing any piano concerts at Carnegie Hall. It’s unfortunate, but it’s true. He knows it, I know it, and you know it. He may have been a great pianist before he went to Vietnam, but if he was, I’d say his best performances are behind him now. Why is it taboo to say it?

I have a learning disability, and there are some jobs I simply can’t do. Basically, any job that requires me to quickly and accurately assimilate what I see… I can’t do. I can see fine. Strangely, I still have the best-functioning eyes in my family. I could tell you what my girlfriend’s face looks like, but I couldn’t tell you what she was wearing. It’s sad, but it’s true. These are facts I have to live with every day. To be honest, if I couldn’t laugh about it, I’d probably cry about it.

Fag. Faggot. Shitheel. Douchebag. Holocaust. Genocide. Death. Cancer. Shell shock.

Come on, Patty… get with the program. You need to sing along with me, here…..

Tugg Speedman going “full retard” is part of a larger commentary on Hollywood. The joke doesn’t work, if every time they want to refer to the part of “Simple Jack”, they have to say, “of diminished cognitive capacity”. That would be part of a larger commentary on people like you, Patty.

All the best comedy is rooted, in one way or another, in tragedy. You, Patty, have become a tragic figure, and, as such, you are a comedic figure.

Nadya Suleman, is a pathetic waste of flesh, and a pointless being. That no one had the balls to say, “Nadya… y’know… you have 6 kids now, and no means of support… do you really think you need MORE kids?” .. or better still, “Nope, your done.”… is tragic. She, and her situation, and her choices welcome ridicule, parody and satire. Yes, almost any outcome will be unfortunate in one way or another… but it can be funny, too…

Again… you can laugh about it or cry about it. When you laugh about it, you acknowledge its absurdity, and maybe… just maybe… can start a dialog that can make things better. When you cry about it, you admit your helplessness.

If, like David Byrne, you’re wondering, “Well, how did I get here?” (or if you’ve lost a ton on stocks in outfits like GM and AIG, you may ask yourself, “My god! What have I done?!”)

Well, as happens once in a lifetime, there is an answer:

The Crisis of Credit: Visualized

It’s a lovely, lively little video that explains the way things should have worked, and how they stopped working. Not once does it stop making sense.

Now, one must bear in mind that this was done as an art school project, and not an exercise in finance… so… is it right, or is it wrong? Well… I don’t know for sure, but it seems to line up with most of the other versions of the story I’ve heard.

Where does that highway go to? I’m not sure, but I think it goes through Van Horn, Texas.

Dummyhead info can now be found on the band’s stand-alone website, with its stand-alone domain.

Check out http://www.dummyheadband.com/ for the low-down.

I (Paul) will continues to post “as it happens” Dummyhead news in the Dummyhead News category of the Ursus Pacificus blog (this site), and said news will be distilled and posted periodically to the Dummyhead-only site.

OK, so I was catching up on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart… and he pulls out a jar of “Baconnaise”.

What the hell is Baconnaise? Well, this Wikipedia article doesn’t seem to know too much about it… but… apparently it’s bacon-flavored vegetarian mayonnaise.

Now, I like bacon… and I like mayonnaise… but… this… seems… uh… wrong.

Stewart tried… well.. “tried” is overstating it… he inadvertently allowed some Baconnaise LITE to touch his tongue… which resulted in almost a minute of spitting and swishing water around in his mouth. He then said, “I think my tongue just took a shit.”

Well, that’s all I need to know about Baconnaise!

As those of you who know me personally are aware (I mention this for the benefit of those who don’t), fashion is not my highest priority. Viz:

With this in mind, I’d like to direct your attention to two collections of examples why fashion is not a priority for me:

From September, 2008, a collection of photographs depicting mostly-sad men strutting down the runway in garments designed by people for whom “off the rack” is the actor’s Macbeth

…and from February 9 of this year, Jacobim Mugatu finally brings Derelicte! to life.

I dunno.. I mean… I guess fashion design is art, like painting or music…. but… when I see stuff like this, it hurts. Really.

Firstly, since most of us lack an appreciable coat of insulating fur or body hair, and live in temperate climates, clothes are a necessity for keeping warm. Most of the garments on display appear to have little if any insulating value.

Secondly, clothes usually serve, to one degree or another, a protective function. Not here.

Thirdly, clothes offer “coverage”… modesty may be a manufactured societal imposition, but I think I prefer being able to sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the deaths of kings without grass clippings and sand sticking to my scrotum.

Lastly, clothes do, to an extent, say something about the wearer. These clothes say, “Hi, I’m vain, pointless, impractical and only gratuitously different. Love me, or I’ll kill myself.” That’s a first impression I don’t want to be on either side of.

Thanks to Pru for the BWE links

Today, at around 9:30 AM at the Staples on the corner of Post Road and Airport Road in Warwick, RI, I (am 98% certain I) saw James Woods… He does have that rather distinctive voice and speech pattern… and according to this article, he’s at least been in the area recently… it’s plausible.

He was with someone else. I didn’t bother him… From an aisle away I muttered “Oooh… Piece of candy!” and left it at that.

Was it actually James Woods? Dunno… He went to Pilgrim High, which is right around the corner from my house… he might be visiting family or friends. I guess I’ll never know, unless he or his publicist read this, and comment on it.

I’m not holding my breath for it

star star star star

Well, I finally got my mitts on a copy of “Frost/Nixon: The Original Watergate Interview”… this is the actual interview, not the dramatic film about doing the interviews (which I want to see).

While Frost seems, at times, to be a little sloshed, as does Nixon, Frost seems to be an unapologetic and nearly relentless interrogator. Frost seem to try to respect the formal deference Nixon is due as a formal national leader, but doesn’t seem to let that get in the way of trying to get real answers from the man.

Nixon, for his part, worked as a skilled defense attorney to deflect blame and call evidence into question… to raise doubt in the prosecution, rather than to demonstrate his own innocence.

There are times when Nixon claims to be the person most knowledgeable of the discussions on-tape, because he was there, but when the “18-and-a-half minute gap” is brought up, Nixon breezily defers to Haldeman’s notes. (hits Staples button) “That was easy!” Frost lets it go. That’s a little disappointing.

All in all, tho, David Frost holds Nixon’s feet to the fire, and compels answers as much as he can, considering that Nixon voluntarily agreed to be interviewed, and was under no obligation (other than contractual) to participate.

It is sad that the US legislature and press could not confront Nixon even this seriously.

Of course Nixon’s dead, as are most of the people involved in his administration, as are most of the people in the senate, the house or the judiciary, who could have done anything about the corruption of the Nixon administration. Except from a historical perspective, it is largely a moot point. This interview does show, tho, that the veracity of the US press, the Legislature and the Judiciary, in protecting the American people from corruption in the Executive is wanting; then as now.

As much as anything can be a viewed as a triumph in this matter, I think this interview is it.

I’m looking forward to seeing the Ron Howard dramatic film about this episode of history.

Yesterday I mentioned the Colbert Report’s disappointing Wednesday performance. Today, I’m pleased to report that Jon Stewart did not disappoint last night.

Stewart’s guest, Randall Balmer, an author, Episcopal priest, and professor of American religious history, proved to be far more engaging, involved and entertaining than Steve Martin on Colbert. …and I just might find myself buying Balmer’s book, God in the White House: A History: How Faith Shaped the Presidency from John F. Kennedy to George W. Bush.

I said I might.

By the way, have you ever noticed the “anchor desk” on The Daily Show is shaped like a lower-case “j”?

Wow… Kinda disappointed in last night’s Colbert Report. Some of the material was funny, but there was a very phoned-in vibe about the whole thing… it was almost as if Stephen’s guest was the re-animated corpse of JFK… y’know… he’s a former president, so the Secret Service is everywhere, but they’re all feeling awkward because he was already assassinated ONCE on their watch… and nobody on the crew of the show is used to that kind of disruption… and Stephen’s a little nervous and uncomfortable, because: a) this is his first interview of a reanimated corpse; 2) This is his first interview with a POPULAR former President; iii) He has to keep the questions simple and be patient, because he’s not only interviewing someone who’s been dead for 45 years, he’s interviewing someone who’s been dead for 45 years AND is missing the bulk of his right cerebral hemisphere.

His guest wasn’t actually the reanimated corpse of JFK… close… Steve Martin. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of Steve Martin. As a kid, much to the chagrin of my mother, I memorized both of his *popular* standup albums (”Let’s Get Small” and “Wild And Crazy Guy”)… I didn’t know about “Comedy Is Not Pretty” until 1990… I’ve seen and enjoyed *most* of his movies… I “missed” “Pennies From Heaven” and “The Pink Panther”… It seems, though that Steve Martin is really making the rounds on talk shows… more than I’d ever seen in the past, and he doesn’t seem to be “funny”. Perhaps he forgot to put the slice of bologna in each shoe. Perhaps he’s just starting to really age…. Maybe he’s fatigued by Colbert’s shtick. I dunno… but there certainly seems to be a “slowing down” in Steve Martin… To be fair, he IS 63 years old, and one is BOUND to start slowing down by that point, I would think.

This was, by far, the least enjoyable Colbert Report I’ve seen so far, made worse by the fact that, just based on the guest and the subjects touched on, there seemed to be such promise.

Just a couple thoughts about Don Henley…

People give Don Henley a lot of grief because he’s a prima donna, or he’s an opinionated prick… well… that’s as may be, but remember: Don Henley is an arty, activist liberal from Texas, where they execute retarded people. I would imagine that’d have to leave you a little bitter.

Henley has been quoted as saying, “I’m not scary; just opinionated.” Having and expressing uncommon or unpopular opinions can be detrimental to one’s social standing, especially in the ol’ US of A. Certainly it made being in Eagles challenging. The term “Eagles pressure-cooker” has been floated by various current and former members, and since Henley and Frey are the “thru line” to the band’s origin, it makes sense that at least one of them was part of the problem. There’s an outtake on the “selected works” box set, where he says to the other musicians, who were quietly tuning up, “Excuse me a minute, fart heads, I’m trying to fix my snare drum!”

Like I said… just a couple thoughts about Don Henley.